Many Words for Love

Sermon | October 8, 2023| Lisa Jebsen

Last year I was honored to deliver a homily at the wedding of my father-in-law and Sharon that took place just after Christmas. After the passing of my mother-in-law, Elaine, we worried for Harry and the depths of his grief and loneliness. However, a few months after her death, Harry reconnected with a girlfriend he had in high school and after many phone calls, texts and visits to each other’s homes, they decided to marry! Of course they both mourn and miss their first spouses, but it has been wonderful to see how much joy this rekindled romance has brought them both.

And it was a lovely service – if I do say so. Pastor Pam at the Lord of Life Lutheran Church in Sun City West is a wonderful minister and led it all with humor and grace. Being there to help with a religious service in a Lutheran church was a wild mix of familiarity, comfort and “weirdness”. When I have attended that church and the one in my hometown, it’s a strange homecoming – not unlike going back to an old school. A part of you belongs there – but it’s not for you any more. 

At any rate, since putting together that wedding day message, I’m still fascinated with what my research turned up on the subject of love and I’ve been trying to find a good time to share it here at UUCOM – and today’s the day! 

As I told the wedding congregation that day in December, my approach to sermons is not unique – I love to find something that makes me think or reconsider a concept. Ninety nine percent of my ideas come during one of my patented google searches. For Harry and Sharon, I was googling words like love – because if love isn’t the first word that comes to mind when you’re writing a hominy for a wedding, then I question your involvement at all! 

My search led me to a sermon by Rev. Sarah Movius Schurr – a Unitarian Universalist minister in the Portland area – entitled, “Love Is Like a Box of Chocolates.” 

Now, I must admit that initially, I cringed a little at that title – I mean, the Forrest Gump “life is like a box of chocolates” quote (or some riff on it like this) has been mind-numbingly overused since the movie came out in 1994 – nearly 30 years ago! However, I’m so glad I didn’t let my initial reaction get in the way because I loved – see what I did there? – Rev. Sarah’s insights. She kicks things into high gear from the get-go saying,

Love: it can be such a confusing word in our language. I can say, “I love my children” and I can say, “I love watching Downton Abbey.” Both of these statements are true, but I assure you that my feelings for watching the adventures of the Crawley family pale in comparison to the connection I have with my children. Love means a lot of different things. People experience love differently, even love that might look the same on the outside.

She continues her musings on love by pointing out that the Ancient Greeks addressed this issue by using different words for the various types of love, all of which have their upsides and downsides. 

Now – before we dive into these, I’m going to point out that depending on the source, there are some who say that the Greeks used anywhere from 4 to 8 words for love. I’m not sure why there is that discrepancy – regardless, I’m going to touch on 8 words today. As we work our way through these, I hope you will consider how these many forms of love are reflected in your personal life as well as in our UU principles.  

First there’s Eros for passionate love – it’s usually assigned to the feelings of young lovers. Or love between older types that’s still in its early stages. For many, this may be what first comes to mind when hearing the word “love.” Eros is all about the heart skipping a beat, the shivers down the spine, the thrill of seeing that loved one, the ache of being away from them. Eros is passion and fire. And yet – we know that all fires are highly susceptible to burn out! 

Next we have Pragma for a long-standing love – this is a love with a foundation of compromise, mutual regard, respect and acceptance. You could say that our first principle of Unitarian Universalism – the inherent worth and dignity of all – is pragma. As strongly as I believe in our first principle, I believe that all successful marriages and close relationships include a healthy dose of pragma! 

Of course, you can draw a direct line from pragma to our own English word pragmatic or dealing with things with practical considerations versus the hypothetical. Although linguists might argue with me that our word is more closely related to the other pragma in Greek which means “deed” or “state business”. Regardless, I think that there’s a strong argument to be made that in every action of a pragmatist, there is a solid basis of love. 

Our next Greek word for love is Philia, or the love of deep friendship – typically, a more reliable and lasting love than Eros. Of course, this type of love doesn’t have to be romantic in nature either. Don’t get me wrong – I think that one of the main strengths of my relationship with Tim is our friendship – or philia. But I remember this word because of mutual friends of ours, Phil and Kelly. PHILia  We met them at Bowling Green State University, had some precious summers together in summer stock theatre in the early 90s – but after that, we rarely got to be with them. A connection we all share with these dear friends is that they are members of a UU congregation in Cleveland. Back to the point: we don’t get to see them that often, but when we do, it’s always such a joyful, easy occasion. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since we last spoke to Kelly and Phil. We always jump right back into things as if we’d just seen each other the day before.

Can you feel my philia for them right now? 

I hope we all have friendships filled with philia – whether they are people you see every day or only occasionally.  

Next up, we have Ludus which is a more flirtatious, playful love. I think of ludus as a cousin of eros. Side note, another diversion on my research for this turned up this tidbit about the word ludus – in ancient Rome it could refer to a primary school, a board game, or a gladiator training school. But getting back to the Greeks, this type of love is noncommittal, viewing love as a game. It may or may not involve pursuing numerous partners. Of course this isn’t a problem as long as all parties involved are up to speed on this arrangement.

Next I’d like to briefly highlight two more types of love: Storge and Mania. 

Storge is the type of affection experienced between family members. It’s a protective, kinship-based, requited love that is commonly felt between parents and children. You could also use storge to describe patriotism or allegiance to the same team. The next time I’m rooting for the Buckeyes with Tim, I’ll think of it as storge. 

Mania is the word for obsessive love that I’m sure we’ve all heard used before. While I fully admit to my Cheap Trick mania – I keep it at healthy levels because unhealthy levels of mania type love lead to stalking behaviors, co-dependency, extreme jealousy, and violence are all symptoms of Mania – none of which do I want associated with me or my fandom for my beloved band from Rockford.

There’s been a lot of love so far but I’ve saved my favorite types for last… 

Agape is the selfless love for other human beings. In English, we might use words like “compassion” or “empathy” to describe this type of love. Buddhists call it “loving-kindness.” It is my understanding that if you were to read the Bible in its original Koine Greek, this is the word that you would see over and over: agape. Here we have another example of our first principle reflected in a Greek word for love. Seeing the “inherent worth and dignity” in all is an expression of love.

And finally we have Philautia, or love of oneself. Like all of these words, a delicate balance is required. Philautia which results in good self esteem is excellent – as long as we’re not crossing the line into arrogance and narcissism that ultimately prevents us from taking care of ourselves and others! From a blog posted on FTD.com of all places, I found this thought on the importance of philautia. “It’s challenging to exemplify the outbound types of love because you can’t offer what you don’t have.” 

This is where I call back to another sermon of mine with lessons from RuPaul – because that thought from the florist website is just another way of saying the closing to my favorite show, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” 

I bring up all these manifestations of love because that’s my wish for you: many years, filled with all the forms of love I’ve just described: passionate, reliable, playful, selfless and self centered! Of course, I’m not advocating that you embody or feel all of these all at once – but I truly hope that as you reflect on love in its many forms that you recognize them in your life and maybe the parts of your life that could use more eros, pragma, philia, ludus, storge, mania, agape and philautia. 

May it be so. Amen and blessed be. 

SOURCES

https://www.uua.org/worship/words/sermon/love-box-chocolates

https://www.ftd.com/blog/types-of-love