Reflection by Howl Resendez
Howl Resendez’s response to the query “What Have You Learned?” – Nov 10, 2019
Howl Resendez (they, them, theirs) is a California-born 24 year-old Latinx non-binary trans-person. They are an artist and activist, impassioned by the work of helping those in the LGBT+ community.
Lately, I’ve been having a really hard time. I’ve felt a lot of anger and sadness, a lot of moments filled with renewed strength to face the challenges of my everyday life before a harsh spiral back down to reality. In a recent session with my therapist, I described all these feelings in a different way. I told her I felt like I was free-falling. In my minds eye, I am tumbling, flailing wildly with no control over my limbs. And the worst part is I know that soon I’ll hit the ground. I think to myself, “quick! Hurry and cushion the fall or else… or else!!”
Before I go any further, there are a few things you should probably know about me.
First, I’ve never been on time for something a day in my life. Even if I do my best to prep for hours in advance. At my funeral, when my time comes, I’m pretty sure by divine intervention my own casket will be late.
Second, lately I’ve been reading a ton of manga. Actually the fact I read it all the time is probably why I’m always late everywhere. I just can’t stop! (For those who may not know, manga is Japanese comics)
And third, I am absolutely, horrifyingly terrified of opening up and being vulnerable even with the people closest to me.
Like I said earlier, things have been hard lately. And I have this bad habit that, when things are too difficult to face, I place my hands over my eyes so I don’t have to see it. One of my best friends, Abby, would tell you I am an expert avoider. And the way I avoid is by throwing myself headfirst into things that can completely pull me out of reality. My current favorite escape is reading manga. And recently, I stumbled into one that has stayed with me even after turning the last page and closing the cover. The title of this particular manga is “I want to eat your pancreas”. Don’t be alarmed! This isn’t a comic about cannibalism, I promise! No, it’s much more wholesome content. It’s about connection.
Our two main characters in this story are high school students Sakura and Haruki. Haruki is a loner, a boy with little to no interest in other people. He doesn’t even have friends, in fact, he can’t recall a time he ever did. Sakura is the beautiful, popular girl in class who can light up any room she walks into. They are polar opposites.
The simple choice to tie these two together in the story is Haruki mistaking a diary for a book left behind. In this diary, left behind in a hospital waiting room, Haruki finds a secret. Sakura, the sociable and perfect girl in his class who never fails to keep smiling…. is dying. She’d been diagnosed with an acute pancreatic disorder and her doctors estimate a year to live. Maybe less if they’re wrong. Sakura writes that she’s told no one behind her family, she didn’t even say anything to the best friend she’s had since middle school. She doesn’t want anyone to know how numbered her days are, she doesn’t want to be treated like she’s dying before shes dead. And this is when Haruki is caught reading the book by Sakura herself.
The title of this manga, while a bit bizarre and ominous, is an echo of what Sakura one day says to Haruki in their school library. “I want to eat your pancreas”, she tells him. See, there’s an older belief that if you had a bad organ, all you had to do was eat that same organ from an animal and you’d be cured. Bad stomach? Eat stomachs! Bad pancreas? Eat a pancreas. Haruki declines.
This is where and how the two connect. See, Haruki lives without attachments or lingering thoughts for other people. Even the girl in his class who he finds is dying. And what Sakura wants is to be treated like she isn’t dying even if she really is and someone knows it. Throughout the course of the story, these characters change. Affected and molded by the impact they have on each other, Sakura says of their relationship; “It’s not coincidence, your choices and my choices have led us to meet here. It’s not even destiny. We chose to meet.”
When it comes to me, I don’t like the idea of fate. Things like “Destiny” and “Coincidence” And “Up to Chance” have always bothered me. Anything already pre-determined for me is boring and makes me feel like I’m trapped in a maze with only a single way out.
When I think of Haruki’s detached and cold attitude, I don’t think that’s something caused by a pre-determined fate. I think it’s all up to choice. When I see Haruki… it is easy to see pieces of myself. Haruki, like me, is afraid to get close. To attach and concern, to ache, to hurt and to be the one who does the hurting. So we cover our eyes, we squeeze them shut behind our fingers and we tell ourselves that This is Living.
One night a few weeks ago, I had reached Empty. It was after a particularly bad round of weeks where I continuously bit my tongue and fought off the urge to scream or cry and shout out my frustrations. But after keeping a smile on my face and keeping quiet, I felt my resolve crumbling. My mask slipping. While I lie in bed, I thought to myself “I can’t do this on my own.. I want.. I need my friends!”
And suddenly, my free falling comes back to me. Gravity pulling my body down, the loss of anything to hold onto, the feeling of dread and fear coursing ice into my body and paralyzing me. The ground is closer than it was before. “Quickly! Hurry! What have I learned? What can I do? What strength do I even have to fight against this?!? The ground is coming closer and closer and no one is going to save me if I don’t—!”
My free falling had stopped, I had already hit the ground. But curled over hands and knees, I was still alive and breathing. And when I look up, standing in front of me with palms up and hands outstretched are my dearest friends. They smile and I can hear them tell me, “You worked so hard, didn’t you? It’s okay now, you can still get up.”
I realized then that while I was falling, berating myself for not having the answers, and not being strong enough in my own… my friends were already patiently waiting for me to come down. And whether I softly landed or crashed and burned, they’d still be there to me heal, to smile at me and remind me I would always be strong yet. I was so caught up in my fear. The fear of opening up, of being vulnerable that I took everything on my own, thinking I would only hurt people anyway and nothing could be worth that.
But when I look up and see them smiling at me, I realize they chose me.
We are not pre-destined, we didn’t meet by happenstance.
We chose each other. Chose to be there for each other. We all separately made our own paths and chose to meet here.
And everyday, over and over, we keep choosing each other.
In the manga, Haruki says of Sakura, “I have lived by connecting with her.”
When we peel back our trembling hands and blink through fuzzy eyes, we slowly learn to open our heart’s door.
Oh, and those of you who are wondering how exactly the story ends for our two high school students… spoiler alert, Sakura does die. However! It’s not from pancreatitis, the cause is completely unrelated! I know, total plot twist, right?! But I think the choice in ending was deliberate. Sakura does suddenly, on her way to meet Haruki at a coffee shop where he waits hours for her to show up, though she never does. From the beginning of the story, we knew Sakura’s time was limited, we already knew her fate but I felt myself holding my breath, hoping that she would make it to the end of the story somehow. Or maybe we’d simply have more time.
But it’s just as Sakura said, we aren’t being tugged along by a string called fate or destiny, it’s not already a path but a series of choices that lead us where we are. Like forks in the road we continue to navigate.
To close, I’ll say this. I haven’t just chosen my friends. I have also chosen every single person in this congregation. From the first day I arrived here until now. And I want to thank you for choosing me, too. Every Sunday when we choose to come back here and share each other’s presence. Thank you for helping me open my heart’s door. And to everyone in this room with me today, to my dear friends who are not, I want to say…
I don’t want to eat your pancreas. No. Instead.. I want to eat your hearts.
What I have learned, what I am still learning of is the endless and unconditional love and support you all have within you and are willing to share. The compassion, the warmth and the kindness you show even to the stranger beside you. What I am learning is the strength of chosen family, that those bonds are just as powerful as blood relation—if not, moreso.
I hope we continue to choose each other. And I hope we all choose people that can open our heart’s doors and uncover our eyes.
– Howl Resendez (he/him or they/theirs) is a California-born 24 year-old Latinx non-binary trans-person. They are an artist and activist, impassioned by the work of helping those in the LGBT+ community.
This is great Kaz! Thank you for sharing.